Dean and the 7 Deadly Vixens
by glittergoddess13
Summary: Crackfic! Mix the 7 deadly sins & Snow White & the 7 dwarfs. Add in farting unicorns, hooterfairy, a singing Dragon, Glitterwands and Ruby Slippers. Dean and Sam get transported to fairytale world and have to fight there way back. PURE CRACK!
1. Fairy Tales

_**Author's Note: This story is dedicated to my good friend, Kat. Our late night conversation has led to this madness. I hope you enjoy this spin on the Fairy Tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarf mixed with the 7 Deadly Sins. Thanks for reading and as always I live for your reviews and welcome any advice.**_

_** Dean and the Seven Deadly Vixens.**_

Once upon a time there were two brothers, Sam and Dean. On the 13th of December, in a place known as Hooterville, the brother's were taking a much needed rest (also known as hiding their asses out from the FBI for over 2 weeks, but that's another story). During the worse snowstorm, when the snowflakes were falling like white blinding bomb from the sky, Sammy sat beside the window, clicking away at the computer keyboard. Dean was busy composing the next great rock tune using a knife and a fork upon the wooden table. He only stopped every once in a while to guzzle on a whisky bottle.

"DO YOU MIND, DEAN!"

"Nope." He continues clicking out a repetitive loud drum rhythm adding a stamp of his boot to the wooden floor.

"God, you are such a child."

Stopping to take another gulp, Dean waited for Sam to calm. "Ha ha…Sam, I'm so bored. He stopped drumming for a moment as he relished the time with his drink just long enough to be extra annoying before he started tapping again.

"DEAN!!!! Just do something."

"I am. I'm playing a drinking game."

"Looks like you are playing with a knife and fork for no good reason."

"Oh, that's just something to do while I wait."

"Wait for what?'

"Every time you sigh, I take one shot. If you wrinkle your nose, I get two. If you happen to get the least bit animated, I'm chugging the bottle."

"Dean, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard of. Who makes up games up about watching other people?"

"TV shows have them all the time. Since the TV is broken, I only have you to entertain me. So far, I say you pretty much suck as quality entertainment. So…. what are you doing over there that is so interesting, anyway!"

"Just doing some creature research. Don't want us to not be prepared for any type of evil."

"Sounds thrilling. " With that being said, Dean began adding beatbox to his makeshift drum ensemble.

"DEAN…why don't you read something for a change."

"I read!"

"The bathroom wall doesn't count as reading, Dean."

"At least I know what Debbie does on a first date."

"Dean, if you say Dallas, so help me, I'll kill you."

"Oh Super geeky wonderboy what are you reading that is so damn important I can't have fun."

Sam ignored Dean and kept reading the pixels on his screen.

Rolling his eyes before he jumped up to the kitchen sink, Dean grabbed the last pack of ho-ho's. Popping the first cake in his mouth whole, Dean prepared to annoy Sam to a new level. Strutting his way to Sam's corner spot, Dean jerked the computer from his brother before Sam could protest.

"Let see what kind of Porn you're looking for, Sammy Boy." Dean was sprinting behind the table as Sam lunged to retrieve his computer.

"Give it back Dean! NOW!"

"Ahh, Sammy. You're supposed to share with your brother. Come on, let see...Sam's porn de jour is...Dwarfs… The title on the screen makes Dean stop. Snow White and the Dwarfs...??? Sammy boy…I'm disappointed."

Grabbing his computer, Sam defended his search as Dean's last scared ho-ho fell to the floor. "It's the Grimm Brother's Fairy Tales. Lots of their references aren't like the Disney versions. There is some good intell in their works."

"You watch Disney!!" A broad condescending smirk spread over Dean's lips.

"Ah… shut up. You are such a spoiled BRAT sometimes."

"Ahh, Sammy. Thank you, I try. Hey, you made me lose my ho-ho.

"I am not touching that one."

"You wish you could find a ho-ho to touch, you freaking monk... Hey, if you run upon Ho White, let me know."

"Stupid Jerk!" Sam stormed off to his remote corner to continue.

"Pansy Bitch!" Dean chuckled, taking his seat upon the table once more. With one heavy metal head nod, Dean returned to his knife fork drum solo again.

With that Sam could take no more. Jumping from his perch and closing his screen. "Fine, Dean. I'm taking a walk." Tossing his computer aside, Sam grabbed his coat and jutted his arm into the sleeves. "Why don't you play with yourself for a while!" Sam said as he slammed the cabin door.

"Ahh... come on, Sam! Don't be like that. I was just kidding. Come back. It's cold out there."

Sam didn't answer as he had started his nature hike in the snow. Becoming worried that Sam would get caught in the storm, Dean grabbed his coat to follow. He took a step upon the ice covered doorway. Before he knew it he was doing a perfect 10 score of a swan dive down to the cabin floor. His eyes rolled back and the lights faded out.

Dean wasn't sure how long he had been out, but he felt his body being dragged from the cold open doorway. He felt softness beneath him. His first thought lingered upon what could be soft and on the ground. _**Man, I hope this is a bed.**_ Blinking slowly, Dean opened his eyes to an Utopian vision- seven stunning women. _**Oh, I died and have gone to heaven.**_

_**-x-x-xx-x**_

_**In our next installment Dean meets the vixens: Hungry, Horny, Freaky, Bitchy, Fickle, Needy, and Sleepy**_.


	2. 7 Deadly Vixens

As Dean's vision cleared, the most wonderful sight for any man's eyes was before him.

"We'll hello, Ladies! I don't know how you got here, but GOD YES!"

"This is our home!" Said a cherub face in a scowl. Her fire red cropped hair seemed to flare with her anger…

"OOOOKKAAYY…whew…..uh….well…… Sorry, my brother and I were lost and we…".

"Who cares if you were lost!" She snapped again.

"We'll aren't you friendly!" Dean dripped with sarcasm.

"Don't pay any attention to her. She's always pissed about something." A tall leggy blond came forward and straddled him. "I'm Horny Luster and that's Freaky Wrathberg."

"Horny…hee..he…. Freaky….ha….ha… he..Are you gals strippers!??... Oh man!. Did Sam put you up to this?...he…ha…ha"

Six of the ladies gasped as one just yawned. But Horny was still on top, so he didn't care what twisted the panties of the other chicks just yet.

"You must not speak that name!"

"Why??? He's my brother...". Sammy, Sammy, Sam, Sam"

They gasped again, but Horny still stayed on top.

"You must not say that name or the demon will find us."

"What demon? Okay, sweetheart, not that I mind you on me, but could you give me just a moment." Dean helped her dismount so he could sit. "Okay, little brother. Where are you?'

Dean sprang from the bed and wobbled. He tested his footing before he whipped around the room. There were few places for Sam to hide. He jerked the covers up and looked under the bed. then he whirled around and sprinted to the bathroom. His searched yielded no sign of Sam. "Okay, I get the joke, Sam. Ha ha .. Come on out. I love the strippers, but jokes over! Sam! Sam?"

"He is making me so nervous!" Said the plumpest one with dark ebony hair and blue eyes as she shoved a ho-ho in her mouth.

"Let me guess, she's Snow White."

"No, but I wish I was Snow White," said another one, a petite brunette. "Snow White ran off with Pinocchio… Something about liking his limb. The Prince caught her screaming 'Lie to me! Lie to me' and it was all over"

"Okay….this is all funny….Sammy?????..." Dean started to wonder if Sam was dressed in drag, but none of the girls were tall enough"

"Oh. Please don't say that name again or he'll find us!"

"Okay…that's it….I'm outta here!" Dean scrambled to the door and jerked it open. The view froze him in his tracks. A color splashed world filled with flowers, singing birds, and crystal blue skies. He tilted his head dumbfounded. In the distance a dark castle loomed over it all, at least something was dark in this candyland. Finally, he turned slowly back to women. "Okay, I want to know what's going on… and let's start with the magnificent seven in this room. Then, I want to know what's up with the techno colored sugar fest outside?"

Horny crossed over and led him to the chair. Immediately, she stroked his shoulders. "You hit your head really hard. Why don't you rest for a second?"

"Hey….yeah…." He started muttering to himself. "I ate that chili dog….Sam told me not to….must have been bad…or…..Whiskey….yeah, whiskey….or…ha…..I've lost my mind." Horny rubbed Dean's stressed shoulders "Okay, can you actually feel fantasies???!!!"

"If he is going to be our champion, I say we are screwed!" yelled Freaky in her angry tone.

"Champion?" Dean snapped back to the conversation.

"Someone to save us from the Yellow Eyed Demon King!"

"ha….okay...yellow eyed demon...ah...uh... Just for shits and giggles...let's go back to the who the hell are you question."

"I told you, I'm Horny Luster. I'm the fun one!" She giggled into Dean's ear before she nibbled it. Dean had to admit that wasn't bad.

"I'm Freaky Wrathberg. And I don't like you at all."

"Hungry Gluttoniti!" She stuffed another ho-ho in her cake hole.

"This is a joke right?!!!" Dean eyed them suspiciously. "You're kidding?...right….the sins…right…this is a joke right?" Dean rubbed his hair with his hand, waiting for the punch line.

"I know, they have lame ass names don't they! My name is the best! I'm Bitchy Prider."

"OKAY…..!" But before Dean could make a comment, another one spoke up.

"I'm Fickle Envony." A clear disappointment rang in her voice.

"So, you want to be Snow White! Ahhh… I get it…" Dean slowly chuckled. As far as weirdness goes, this one was talking the cake.

"No…I want to be Sleeping Beauty…she has much nicer hair. I want hair like that!"

"Can we stop wasting time!!!!? I have better things to do. Needy Greedenski," said the spike haired chick.

Only one remained, but she showed no interest in taking part of the discussion or anything else for that matter. Bitchy finally spoke. "That's Sleepy Slothman. She kinda just sits there. Every once in a while, we poke her to get her to eat."

Cocking his head to the side, Dean chuckled in resigned realization. "Okie Dokie….he he… I died and I went to Hell…Yep… right to HELL."

** -x-x-x-x-x-xx-x-x-xx-**

** In our next silly update: The Yellow Eyed Demon King and Sammy- "Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who's the biggest stud of all"**


	3. Mirror Mirror

"I know it, this is Hell! This is my penitence for watching that porn Rumpledforeskin. This is Hell- Hell with singing birds"

"Oh, and unicorns!" said Fickle.

"Unicorns???...he he ha …of course…unicorns…I am so in HELL."

"No you are in Glittermala, the land of beauty.

"I must have eaten mold spores or something." Dean tried to justify the images before him.

Before he could think any further, Horny straddled him again. He looked at her confused for a moment, but figured what the hell. "We'll if you have to have a hallucination, you might as well have fun."

"Exactly! Yeah, you're our handsome Prince," Horny agreed.

"Whoa… I ain't being nobody's Prince Charming. Get that shit out of your head."

"Phhbtt. Prince Charming. That guys a louse- He polygamist. He swooned all the princesses in the kingdom," said Freaky

"Oh… I wondered why he showed up in all those fairytales. Just how many princesses has he married?" Bitch chimed in.

''I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.'' Dean faceplamed and lowered his head.

"Come on girls! Let's take him upstairs."

"There is no upstairs." Dean felt more confused

"Of course there is!"

Before Dean could protest that there wasn't an upstairs, five of the ladies were sprinting up the winding staircase. "Where did that come fr…" The words were stolen as Horny placed a kiss on his lips. When she pulled away, Dean shrugged. "What the hell! To the stairs!" He pushed Horny forward and prompted her to lead the way. At the table, Sleepy had nodded off. "What about her?"

"Oh, just leave her there. She'll just nod off on you."

"Alrighty then." Dean said in amused disbelief. Horny pulled at him and hustled him up the stair case. "This has got to be the strangest wet dream Ever! Hey can we play button, button, who's got the button." Dean laughed his way up the stairs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile in the forbidden castle:

The yellow eyed demon strutted, thinking of ways to enlarge his kingdom. Pacing to his magic mirror, he stopped to admire himself in his studliness. He was pleased by the tightness of his leather pants and the metrosexual shirt opened just enough to tempt and tease. He was truly the stud of the land.

Outside the sound of trumpets announced the arrival of his champion. The champion strode into the chamber and bowed to the king. "Father, I have vanquished the kingdom of far far away. I return again to your side."

"Rise son. I have given thought to your next quest. I want you to conquer the vixens and bring them to me. I entrust this mission to you. Sam."

The champion bowed faithfully. Before him stood a handsome champion, his colorful tunic shown with sparkling bead work. The puffy sleeves fluttered in the wind as he bowed to the Demon King. As Sam stood, he readjusted his tights.

"Problem?"

"These damn tights chafe and ride up like crazy. They keep creeping in my ass."

"Sam, when you wear the colors of our kingdom, it is an honor to me." The demon king grew satisfaction that his son was a pale comparison of his manliness. A pre-planned genius work upon his part, the fuchsia tunic were offset by the bright white tights were a particularly a nice touch. Feeling particularly cocky, the king strutted back to his mirror.

"Mirror, mirror upon the wall, Who is the greatest stud of all?"

The mirror answered, "O great Demon King, though a stud ye be, Dean Winchester is greater than thee."

The Demon King was horrified, and from that moment anger grew in his heart like rank weeds. "Not the brother! I banished him to the land of the forgotten."

"Who's brother father?" Sam pulled the tights out of his butt cheeks another time.

"He is an enemy of my kingdom. The Winchesters were the former rulers of this land. This man is a threat to all of our power. He must be stopped. He cannot retake what I have conquered." Turning back to the mirror, the Yellow Eyed Demon King grew incensed. "Where is he mirror?… Where?"

The mirror answered: "Over the hills and far away, Dean dwells with seven vixens today."

That bit of news burned the Demon kings chaps. "Sam!"

"Yes, father."

"Go to the woods, kill that man and bring me back his heart. Capture my vixens and bring them to me. Be careful! He is far more powerful that the others we have faced. Do not let his tricks blind you."

"I will not fail you. I will return with the heart of Dean Winchester." Sam stormed from the throne to fulfill his mission, pulling the tights out of his butt cheek as he made way for his steed.

--------------------------------------------

_**Up Next: Dean: Sammy, are you wearing tights???????. ---the meeting of the brothers.  
**_


	4. Sparkles

Sam dared not disobey his father, so he took his mighty steed, Farfignewton and set out for the three day journey to the vixen's cottage.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Three Days Later…**

Dean finally emerged down the stairs and flopped in a chair at the table. He was exhausted.

Voices from above called to him…. "Dean, come back….Dean!"

"No, I need to sleep." He yelled up the stairs. "You friggin' freaks!"

"Yes, Dean!" Freaky screamed from above.

"Shit…oh… Not You.. NEVERMIND!" He screamed. Finally, he looked at Sleepy. "Now, you… I understand. Sleep is good….Yeah, lots of Sleep…." Then, Dean thought for a moment. "But, there is no way in hell I am ever going to top that. That was either the best or worst 2 days of my life. Sam is going to be so friggin' jealous." Yawning, he smiled. Dean had just dozed off as the vixens flittered down the stairs.

"Dean?" Fickle cried.

"Oh, he is tired. Poor Baby," said Needy as she petted Dean's hair.

Just as the vixens were about to take pity on the exhausted champion, the cottage's door was kicked in.

"Surrender nave!"

Dean awoke from the clatter and looked bleary eyed at Sam. He tilted his head and his mouth dropped in utter confusion. "Uh...okay…I'm not even going to think about this one."

"Do you hear me nave. Surrender and hand over the vixens."

"Oh hell, you can have a go. I just want to sleep. They're killing me."

"You shall not have my father's kingdom."

"Dude, okay, this crap has got to stop. #1- You have no kingdom. #2- I wouldn't want it… #3- Why are you wearing tights???...uhhh…#4- Were you attacked by a bedazzler?...Seriously, are you going for the fruitiest costume or something?!"

"This is the uniform of honor for my kingdom. Do you insult me?!"

"In that…Hell Yeah!"

Pulling his sword, Sam pointed the tip at Dean. "Prepare for battle!"

Dean backed a few inches, laughing as he did. "Ah, come on Sam." The vixens cowered behind Dean, waiting for him to protect him. Whimpers and screams rambled together like clucking hens. "Oh, will you seven just be quiet. Sam, it's me- Dean. Your brother. Just put down the sword. This is getting silly now." Sam lunged and his sword cracked the chair clean in two. Dean stopped laughing. "Okay..we'll that was not good." Screaming at the vixens, Dean rolled out of Sam's way again. "I need a SWORD!"

"We don't have one!" screamed Needy.

"I told you to get one" replied Freaky.

"Ahh CRAP… Now, Sam..Just be reasonable..You're the reasonable one. Remember?... Cool, calm, collected..."

Sam swung again and the blade sliced through the kitchen table. "I will cut out your heart!"

"Sam that's not nice. I wouldn't do that to you. Okay, jokes over. Really. Put down the sword. Brothers don't fight like this."

"You are not my brother. You are my enemy!"

"Shit..this is going so wrong." Dean dived as Sam stabbed a blow at him. He found the broken table leg and whooshed it at Sam. "AHH ha…Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die." The weapon missed by a great distance.

"What?" Sam looked at him oddly. "Indigo????"

"I've always wanted to say it….Oh My GOD! Look is the Hooterfairy!" Dean screamed.

"Where!?" Sam spun and Dean bonked him on the head.

"We'll that's that. Okay, someone needs to explain and explain fast cause this is the craziest bullshit ever."

Bitchy Prider spoke first. "Oh, let me tell it. I can tell it better than anyone else.

"Wish he would let me tell it. I want to tell it as good as Bitchy. Bitchy always tells it." Fickle Envony stated with such longing it made Dean nauseated.

Needy Greedenski spoke up. "I need to tell it because I can do it faster and it's my story.

Hungry Gluttoniti looked at the others and stuffed a Twinkie in her mouth. A loud snore came from Sleepy.

"I hate the story and I don't even care who tells it." Freaky Wrathberg pissed and moaned.

Horny Luster was busy fondling Dean's leg.

"Will you stop that a moment! Okay one of you just spill it!"

Five of the vixens spoke at once in a strange clatter of gossip.

"AHHHHHH!! ZIP IT! Okay one of you bitches tell it, and only one!"

"Ha ha, I win!" announced Bitchy.

"Fine…Bitchy…you tell it!" Dean groaned.

"AWWWW." groaned the others.

"AHH…atttt….shh..zip it!"

"Ahem." Bitchy started. "A long time ago there was a good King and Queen and their two sons. One day the Yellow Eyed Demon decided to take the kingdom for his own. He attacked and killed the fair Queen. The king tried to fight the demon, but the army of the demon was too strong. The fiend tried to banish the sons to the land of the forgotten. But the eldest jumped into the portal and sealed it to protect his baby brother. The demon, fearing the young son's powers, cast a spell to keep his Studliness from developing. The only way to defeat the demon is to defeat the dragon and retrieve the sacred weapon. Only then will the brothers return to their rightful place."

"Alrightly then…phhhbbbbbtt….a dragon…of course…a Dragon …. Phhhhhbbtttttt ….. So to get out of this mess, I have to solve this?…Right?.. How convenient! ….We'll okay, I'll give you that Sam looks like he is trying out for women's figure skating, but no one can out Stud a Winchester!"

"Line up Ladies!" The vixens stated at him blankly. "I said line up! We are going to break this spell". Dean snapped his fingers. All the vixens stood in a line, even Sleepy. Dean eyed them all and thought carefully.

"Sleepy.. glad to see you awake. Go back to bed sweetheart. The only thing you can break is the sleeping record." "Needy…uh… you MIGHT break him. Damn! Bitchy, you aren't that good, but doable. Fickle you don't know how you want it, that won't work…Hungry, what an appetite…when you go for you go for it, but the biting…uhhh…. Freaky, hmmm…that angry energy seems to work….and Horny…holy crap…" Dean closed his eyes and smiled in remembrance. "Yeah…..ooh…damn…"

Okay, Freaky, Bitchy and Horny, take Sam upstairs and don't come back until your get all the sparkles off of him.

--------------

**3 days later…..**

The vixens trotted downstairs quite pleased with themselves.

"So, any problems?"

"Nope, he is sleeping." Freaky grinned.

"Hmm…any more glitter, sparkles, spangles or nylon on him, around him, or near him?'

"Nope, it's all gone," beamed Bitchy.

"Did you tie him up, just in case, after you finished."

"No, we tied him up before." Horny giggled.

"Fair enough, then..now about that dragon?"

-----------------------

** UP Next: Enter the DRAGON **


	5. Have you Met Moody

**Author's note: Whew, its been forever. Glad that writer's block is gone...Hope you enjoy the word play on the Vixen Names!**

-x-x-xx-x-xx-xx-xx-xx-xx-x

Wasting no time for the others to interrupt, Needy chimed in. "Legend has it that the sacred dragon can reunite the brothers and give them a weapon to return the kingdom to them. Many have tried and failed to defeat the fire-breather. It is said only a true Winchester can defeat the mighty dragon and save the kingdom."

"I don't want the kingdom. I just want this to be over. So where is this Dragon?"

"You must travel to the Bog of Eternal Stench at the edge of Glittermala." Bitchy beamed with pride at being the quickest to answer.

"Okay, well we need to get to the bog and someone will have to keep an eye on Sam." Suddenly, Dean was aware of several vixens with delusions of how to keep Sam occupied. Having experienced the Vixens firsthand, he wondered if Sam could survive any more time with the eager ladies. "On second thought, I think Sam needs to be under my supervision for now. It might take two Winchester to defeat the dragon. So where is this bog and how far."

"It's too damn far" whined Fickle. "But I want to go."

The nauseated feeling hit Dean again along with the thought this was the 9th level of hell.

"Oh… I'll pack provisions." Hungry started gathering up various items around the kitchen.

"I'll get the wagon," chimed Horny. "Dean can sit with me!"

"No… I get him first," screamed Bitchy.

"HEY! HEY!! HEY!" SHUT UP!" Dean was beginning to upgrade the level of hell in his mind. This was definitely a 10th level. "Horny take Bitchy and take care of the horses and wagon." Pausing for a moment Dean chuckled that his orders were starting to sound like the plot of some porn flick.

"I still get to sit by Dean." Screamed Horny as she and Bitchy raced to carry out Dean's order.

"Hungry, get the wagon packed. Freaky, you pack the things we need for the journey."

"I'll get the batteries!" Freaky Screamed in delight.

"I meant weapons, supplies, Not that…no batt…" The sound of bee-like buzzing stole Dean's thoughts. "Uh..NO… none of that." He hoped his commanding tone returned the vixens to the task at hand. "Needy, get Sam dressed and ready. Keep him hand tied up."

"Ohh, Sam!'

"Just bring him here. Nothing else!"

Needy didn't appear happy with Dean's last directive. However, with all 7 taken care of, for the moment, Dean relaxed.

Minutes later, Needy led Sam down to his awaiting brother. His wrists were still bound, but his clothing had definitely improved: a pair of worn blue jeans with a white t-shirt under a plaid shirt.

"Now that is more like a Winchester!" Sam angered at Dean's sudden outburst of high spirits. Dean was just ecstatic that his brother was no longer raiding Liberace's wardrobe. Sam was not so amused by his situation as his legs buckled. Fatigue caused him to stumble down the twisted stairs.

Dean smiled as he remembered his own morning after journey from upstairs. "Don't worry; you will feel your legs again in about 3 hours."

"What? What have you done!" Sam fumed. "My father…"

"Your father is dead. That demon bastard has warped you!" Dean commanded Sam's attention. "Sam, you're my brother and I…… Look at me.. You know you feel a connection. You can't have felt like you belonged in sparkle land with that Yellow Eyed FREAK."

Sam wanted to defend the king, but something about the way Dean stared him down held Sam in place. "You lie."

"No, the demon destroyed our family. We are all that is left. If I was not your brother I could have just killed you. But you are alive and breathing. Why would I spare you if I didn't want you to fight by my side?"

"You lie." Sam's nose wrinkled in an attempt to dismiss Dean's words."

"Fine. Guess I will have to prove it to you. Sorry, but you have to stayed restrained until you come to your senses.

-x-xx-xx-xx-xx-x-x

2 Days later….

The less than happy wagon had managed to make it hallway to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Unfortunately, Dean was planning to chuck all seven vixens in the bog as soon as they arrived.

Sam had been silent since their discussion at the Vixen home, but the past two days seem to wear his platitudes down. He finally broke the stalemate. "I take it back. You are my enemy and you are torturing me."

"Torturing you!" Dean scoffed. "Dude, you can't seriously think this is fun!"

"I don't know, but if I have to spend one more day with these Bitches…

"Yes, Sam!" Bitchy grew excited.

"BITCHY! Leave Sam alone!"

"But I just want to have fun! I Need him."

"Stop being so damn Needy!"

"Yes, Dean."

"ARGGG… not you Needy. I meant Bitchy should stop acting so Horny!"

"But, I'm Horny."

"See I told you were keeping me to torture me." Sam said in satisfaction that almost resembled Winchester snark.

"Huh?"

"What!"

"You almost sounded like my pain in the ass little brother there."

Sam returned to his almost too proper inflection. "I assure you it was pure coincidence. When the time comes, I plan to defeat…"

"Blah, blah, blah…defeat, threat, bullshit! Can you get the stick out of your ass and speak like Sam!?! Come on just say Jerk!"

"Jerk?"

"Not like that! You have to say it like say it like I say Bitch"

"Yes, Dean!"

Dean sighed and grumbled. "NOT YOU BITCHY!"

"Just say Jerk, Sam."

"No."

"JERRRRRRRRRRKKKKKK! Come on Sam! It's only four letters."

"Oh, I have four letters for you." Sam's tone returned to his normal level. The pompous air fell away as Dean began to annoy him."

"Oh, Sam if you ever said that you would wash your own mouth out with soap. Just say JERK… Jerk… Jerk… Jerk… Jerk.

"DEAN!!!!!" The final annoyance caused Sam to scream out. "You are a jerk!"

"Now that's my boy!"

-x-xx-xx-x-xx-x

2 more days…

"Dean… I swear, I'll fight by your side if you just get them to shut up."

"I've tried Sam, I swear. They..MAN…man I wish I had a gun!"

"Kill me first!" Frazzled by the whining vixens, Sam was pushed to the brink of insanity.

"Just get some Sleep."

"Y…e……s…….." Sleepy yawned a response.

"You know this is fricking annoying! I don't care if I say any of your names…JUST… Just keep your traps shut."

Sleepy, awake for the first time in days, looks at Dean oddly. "But, Dean I am starved. I can't sleep so I'm hungry now.

"But I'm Hungry!" The plumpest Vixen argued.

"How can you be Hungry, you ate all our provisions," argued Sleepy.

Sam and Dean cringed to hear yet another whine session.

"I want you both to zip it." Dean yelled.

"But.."

"No… zip it."

"But...we."

"No… close mouths.. Zippppp!"

"But"

"SHUT UP!" Both Winchesters barked.

Orders were useless. The vixens were so absorbed with fulfilling their needs and desires, they could only focus on what best served them at the time.

Speaking within seconds, Hungry began again. "We have no food left. I Need something soon.

"But I'm Needy." With tears in her eyes she began to lament her own woes. "You haven't been with us for days. Come on Sam. Come on Dean. Let's have some fun. I am so Horny.

"But I am Horny!" Her defensive tone grew to lustful thoughts. "I can't tell which of you I want more. I feel so torn to choose. I feel so Fickle.

"HEY! That's me! Don't be acting like me! And I am so tired of waiting for some action I am about to get Freaky on both of your asses.

"Stop that! I'm FREAKY! And I am too damn tired to do anything. Will this trip ever end? I just want to get some Sleep.

Sleepy chimed in, "Me too but I'm Hungry"

"If you all don't stop being Moody, I'll going to leave your asses.."

"None of us are Moody… He's our cousin, the elf." Bitchy happily informed Dean.

"Bet you are Sorry you said that."

"More than you know, Sam." If it was possible to facepalm yourself into unconsciousness, Dean would have induced a coma upon himself by now with the repeat of that action.

"No Sam, Sorry is our aunt. She is a fairy."

"Bet you aren't Happy you said that, Sam."

"More than you know, Dean."

"Happy is our uncle once removed. He's a troll! He's married to our aunt Mouthy."

"Alright!!!!SHUT UP… I think we are here."

"Really!" The seven grew excited.

"Either that or one of use has stepped in something. OR maybe your mother-in-law Crappy lives here!"

"We don't know anyone named Crappy." Freaky noted.

Sam coughed and his eyes watered. "Guess they don't call it the Bog of Eternal Stench for nothing."

"Dude, I think I am going to be sick. Stay here! ALL OF YOU! I'm going to the dragon's lair and get this hell over with." At that moment Dean upgraded his estimation of the level of hell to an 11. Arming himself with Sam's sword, he would have preferred a different weapon, but this was the only weapon to be had, unless you counted time with the Vixens. Swinging off of the wagon, Dean though carefully about where he was stepping, or rather what he was stepping in. "Ah, man… I am so burning these shoes when this is over."

"I would touch anything either!" Sam responded.

At least Dean had one saving grace on this trip. The more the Vixens annoyed them, the more Sam started to act like himself. There was hope this horrible hell would end sometime. He had only made it a few yards from the wagon, when he noticed the yawning opening of the dragon's chamber. The looming entrance would have berth a platoon of big rigs. He entered with sword drawn, ready to stab at the lizard creature. The lair appeared slimy, but fire sparkled in pits as if the magna within the earth had created mini volcanoes in the cavernous dwelling. Dean had only journey several feet into the massive opening, when a 50 foot shadow projected on the wall. "Ahhhh, MAN!!!!!!"

** -x-xx-xx-xx-xx-xxx-x-x**

**Up next: Dean gets burned, Sam gets a wet one, and a serenade by a unusual source.**


	6. Flatus

Meanwhile at the Castle….

The yellow eyed demon, still in his tight leather pants and a shirt unbuttoned to expose his chest, slicked back his hair and donned a cold chain. He admired himself in his magic mirror, waiting for Sam to return with the heart of his enemy.

"Mirror, mirror upon the wall, Who is the greatest stud of all?"

The mirror answered, "O great Demon King, though a stud ye be, Dean Winchester is greater than thee. And woman will now agree, Sam Winchester is also more of a stud than thee."

Seething, the king knew Sam had failed him. "That brother! He has taken what I stole!" He would have neither rest nor peace until the Winchesters were either his puppets or dead.

-x-x-x-x-x-xx-x-xx-xx-x-

Back at the Bog of Enternal Stench, the dragon's lair…

"Ahhh.. Crap… I don't think this sword is …" Dean stopped complaining to himself, when a massaive claw on the shadow raised. His head and body swung around to the source of the shadow, finding only empty space. "Okay… What the fu….ahh…if this thing is invisible, I am going to be pissed. You friggin have got be kidding me."

Randomly stabbing the air, he hoped the sword would find the invisible target. After a few fruitless plunges, Dean dropped his sword and scratched his head. "Okay!' He glanced back at the 50 foot shadow, then back to the empty space several times. His face screwed into a state of confusion. From the shadows view point it looked like a dragon was about to hand him his ass, but the area where the dragon would be was empty. He debated this problem for several minutes before he noticed the tiny lizard like claw that was perched on the rock.

The sight drove Dean to hysterical laughter. "The dragon is a freakin gecko!"

"UH..NO way BUCKO… I am a dragon… I am the might FLATUS."

"Flatus…yeah… that helps." Dean laughed harder. "A talking stinky dragon that is not bigger than fart."

"Alright Bucko you asked for it." Flatus drew in a deep breath as his prospective slayer looked at him oddly and laughed. However the chuckles stopped and situation far from funny when a huge fire ball whirled at Dean's head.

Ducking to the ground, Dean's face spattered with dirt. "God… I hope that was dirt.. Hey…. Fartface…cut me a break, huh…will ya!."

Any hope of a reprieve was short lived as the next firespit set Dean's kiester on fire. Rolling, he put of the flames that schorched at the pants of his blue jeans. "Hey these are my favorite jeans, you little Shit."

Caution was overridden by annoyance and he rushed the lizard-like dragon. Grabbing the tiny-ass thing by the tail, he swung the now screaming reptile over his head as if the creature was a sling shot. After he twirled the panicked dragon enough to gain momentum, he cut Flatus lose. Smacking the cave wall, Flatus fell with a thump.

Before another round of dodge the fireballs could begin, Dean scooped up the dazed firestarter. "Don't make me do that again. I need the weapon and I need you to fix my brother, Sam."

"Sam? Sam Winchester?...phhbtt. Why didn't you say so. No you had to come in here and insult me and then attack me." Flatus started to wail in a childlike cry.

"Listen.. I'm sorry.. Shit… I am apologizing to a crying dragon that is the size of a twinkie….uh.. I'm sorry, but I need to end this crazy ass hallucination and get back to reality. So, if you have anything, cough it up." Thinking about what he just said, Dean retracted. "Atttt… I don't mean to cough another fireball at me either."

"Fine… let me down…You must be the dumb brother, Dean."

"Hey!... Just find the weapon." Gently, he let the whining dragon go. A few hmphs and odd glances later, the dragon started rummaging in a chest, throwing all sorts of odd objects out: A pink flamingo, a turkey baster, a ping pong paddle, something inflatable, which was the point Dean stopped looking, afraid of what a dragon did with something inflatable. As the creature searched, his mood seemed to improve. Flatus started to sing and a song familiar to Dean. "Are you singing Queen?"

"Yep… We are the Champions."

"Cool… A rock fan!" At least this wouldn't be as bad as the Vixen's insanity.

"Yep… We are the champions - my friends And we'll keep on fart'n To the end...

Clicking his mouth, Dean sighed with sarcasm. "Yep… This just gets better and better."

"Dude… that is fighting to the end."

"You are wrong."

"Just don't sing that..huh?"

"Okie Dokie.." Flatus starts to sing Life in the Fast Lane by the Eagles. "Pass me the Vasoline, sure enough to loosen your behind."

Dropping his heads in his hands, Dean just groaned.


	7. Weapons of Mass Destruction

-x-x-x-x-xx-xx-xx-x-xx-xx-x-xx-x

"Okay… can we just speed this up without the singing?"

"Oh… I see, you know so much better than me. We'll you're the one stuck here without my help. I think you should be more appreciative."

"Alright…"

"I mean you threw me against that hard wall and I still..."

"Okay…I…"

"And now you order me around like your wife in a trailer park…"

"OKAY! Sing…just find the thing!"

Immediately, Dean knew he was going to regret letting Flatus sing, but the whining was worse.

The small lizard-like dragon, returned to his madden item toss. Fits of random humming jammed out and the little arms flopped wildly like tilt-a-whirls. Throwing random objects, the creature whirled the hodgepodge of brickabrack at warp speed: A Santa Salt shaker, a waffle iron, a cheese grater, assorted whips, a butter knife. "Oh, I wondered where that went..." Flatus started to hum the beginning chords of Pearl Jam's Better Man.

Dean cringed as he waited for it: the dreaded wrongness of lyrics.

"She dreams of butter she dreams of bread can't find a butter knife. "

"UMMMMnnnnkfdsk" Dean groaned, reminding himself to keep his mouth shut. "So, uh… how goes the search… I could help with that…"

"NO! Keep your paws off…oh…here we go!" A long cylinder shape emerged from the chest.

"Oh… don't let that be what I think it is." The gutter overtook Dean's tired mind. "Then again, the vixens can keep themselves occupied for a while. " Much to Dean's chagrin, it wasn't anything near his initial idea. It was much worse!

Flatus handed the "weapon" to the now disgruntled Dean. "OH..COME ON…You're Kidding me!"

"Okay Mr. Macho Man."

"Don't… don't even start singing! Especially that! You just handed me a kiddy wand covered in Glitter with ribbon curls. I think you owe me at least to question the lameness of that!" Dean eyed the item with such disdain. The pink metallic glitter handle spiraled upwards to a cute ice blue star on top. Several multicolored ribbons and sparkles sprang from the base of the star. "And this is supposed to help me get back Sam?"

"No idiot that is supposed to help you defeat the YED. I have to help with Sam."

"You know, I can sling shot your snarky ass again. So spill it."

"I can give Sam back his memory… I just need to find you one more thing. So if you stop with the grandstanding threats and just give me a moment... Why must you always pick on me?"

"Oh...fu…"

"And…and… and..." The small dragon wailed and cried in a childish temper tantrum.

"Oh...Alright, I'm sorry. I just… It's been a bad day...week…hell, I don't even know how long we have been here. All I want is to get back to reality. And messed up as that sounds! This place makes no sense and I'm going BONKERS!"

Dean's newest companion stopped complaining and looked at the worn out hunter. "Ah... here they are…"

"Okay… that's it...I've lost it….I'm unhinged... batty, crazy, insance, cracked, gonzo, kooky, mental, whacko, nuts…

"It's just a pair of shoes!"

"RUBY SLIPPERS! DUDE THESE ARE RUBY SLIPPERS… Are you telling me that I have to put on slippers to get home!"

"No….They're for the YED too!"

"Did the demon take over Siegfried and Roy!?"

"WHO?"

"Nevermind!" Dean waved his arms in frustration, sparking the wand to life. A steady stream of glitter sprayed everywhere. "Oh course, this thing craps glitter… go figure…" He buried his head in his hands. "I don't suppose you have a gun in there… A grenade… Hell, I'll take the butter knife."

"Watch that.. its powerful…you only use the wand when you absolutely need it..You should learn to calm down. Stress is bad for you blood pressure… It's all in your head…Oh...that's a good one." Two seconds later, Flatus broke out in his personal rendition of the Cranberries _Zombie. __"_In your bed, in your bed. Gumby, Gumby, Gumby."

"We'll I been there done that… Good times."

"That's better. Now we have to find Sam."

"Got that covered, he's tied up outside. If he survived all this time with the Vixens."

"You did something RIGHT!" The reptile crowed as he depressed a burst of breath freshener spray and cleared his throat.

"You're not going to sing again ARE YOU!?"

"No, I am ready for my kiss."

"Uh… I think that's going to be a no… Gonna pass on that….yeah…tsk."

"No, you Sam… I have to break the spell with a kiss… Don't you know anything?!?!?!"

"This… NOW THIS," Dean chuckled. "This I would pay to see."

-x-xx-x-x-xx-x-x-x-x-


	8. Pucker UP

The growth stunted dragon gathered a small beaded bag and put a few item in it.

"Okay I'm ready!"

"Is that a mini purse?"

"You got a problem?" Flatus ignores Dean's scrunched nose and raised eyebrows. He merely beings to sing AC/DC's _Back in Black "_I've got a purse but I'm still a guy "

"Oh…arrgh..Dude, that's "Forget the hearse cause I'll never die."

"Do you not know music at all? Boy! Do you need to get out more!" Before Dean could argue the saddest excuses for a dragon sang _man in the Box. "_I'm The Man with a hurt crotch."

"UGHH……..okay...Shut up!" " The eldest Winchester just sighed, hell bent on getting this "quest" over with, so he could go back to "normal" Dean never thought in his life that he would crave his messed up world ,but this new one was too damn much. He scooped up his annoying new companion, scrambled out of the cave, and made his way towards Sam. Dean swung into the wagon, extending and outstretched palm with Flatus inside directly in Sam face, Dean commanded, "Just fix him!"

"What in the hell is that. " Sam muttered, eyeing the creature suspiciously.

"This annoying little shi…."

"Hey hey….now do I insult your family like that"

"Just kiss him!"

"Hell NO… That thing is not kissing me… That's nasty."

"Oh nasty… my ex-husband… he's an Ogre solider for the witch, Fussy." Freaky gossiped.

"You know he has a thing for Spunky the flying Monkey." Added hungry.

"ahh..no...no….you seven need to shut your cakeholes for a while." Dean demanded.

"Oh…I want cake!" said Hungry.

"You always get eat it all," said Fickle.

"Ladies, and I use that term loosely, Shut the hell up!"

"Why! I never!" Bitchy sounded almost sincere in her rant.

"Yeah I bet you haven't." Dean's sarcasm spilled over as he was completely fed up. He bore his entire focus on flatus, who was actively applying lip gloss. "Okay... that's enough…this isn't a date… Kiss him!!!!" He screamed at the creature, and then softly added how insane he felt in a soft undertone. "…… and I can't believe I even said that."

Flatus adds another layer of his sacred, favorite, orange flavored lip gloss before he juts the item into his man-purse. A tiny forked tongue flicked over scaly lips in anticipation. Sam tries to inch away, finding only the wood of the cart. With nowhere to go, Sam felt the scaly, orange flavored lips upon his. The taste reminded him of vinegar with the odor of cat pee. The tiny forked tongue attempted to flick, but Dean yanked Flatus by the tail.

"Hell No... You are so not going there."

"But… I was just…"

"Would you like to be dinner for Hungry?"

"No!... hmpfh"

Sam began coughing and made a strange sick sound like he was about to toss his cookies. "EGH...whhh… are you trying to kill me… that taste like…That is so bad I've never tasted anything as horrible."

"You okay, Sammy?"

"I just got kissed by a boy dragon and you are asking me if I am okay!!!??!!"

"Ducks In the wind. All we are is ducks in the wind.

"I take it back... I was kissed by a boy, singing dragon. I thought our family needed therapy before this…but now!"

"Just say you know who you are...who I am!"

"Dean… what the hell are you playing at… You're acting weirder than normal."

"Sam, humor me."

"That was just slimey and funky…and so wrong."

Oh… Slimely! That little troll married the sea nymph, Snooty. Can you believe that!!" said Needy.

And that horrible Funky, she is a manipulative with.

"Shut Up….ALL OF YOU……….LIZARDLIPS! I thought you said you could fix him. So help me if this was your way of getting Kinky…

Kinky… do you know her!? That little pixie… shacked up with a centaur—You know... Snappy's brother...what was his name?" said Bitchy.

"Oh…floppy…yeah… I heard his has issue with lim…"

Dean just threw up his hands shushing them. "Now, before I cook reptile for dinner… you best explain fast."

"Just give him minute." Flatus yelled before breaking out his rendition of Nirvana. "I feed two pigs, with containers"

"I feel stupid, and contagious."

"Can't help you with that one, Dean!" Flatus remarked.

Dean was about to skewer a certain Dragon, but Sam fell forward and rolled on the wagon floor, grunting in pain.

"Yeah... I know his singing is horrible." Dean snarked.

Sam continued to fall and moan. A stead predictable panic arose in Dean as he dropped to his brother's side. "Sammy?...look at me…look at me.."

Sam's lack of response even alarmed the Vixens, who began to talk at once and whisper "what's wrong, oh No, Sam, and other blubbering in a mish-mashed mess of concern.

"SHUT UP!" Dean yelled.

"Whoa….Dean….whew." Slowly, Sam looked up at him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah… I… I think so… I mean…Dean...Oh... I'm so sorry Dean... I forgot… how could I forget you..."

"It's okay… You sure you are back?"

"Tell me the first thing you hunted and killed."

"Crap... all those demons and creatures and you want me to remember that."

"No… the first thing you ever hunted and killed in the basement of that shack in Des Moines

"Sam laughed…."I thought you promised to never talk about that again."

"I won't…and I mean it… only Sam would know that."

"A spider." Sam said disgruntled.

Dean chuckled happily, remembering the incident with amusement and relief that Sam was back.

"Don't even…don't you… don't even start harassing me about that..I was a kid…"

"Okay…okay…"

"Can you untie me now?"

Dean winds the bonds on Sam as the Vixen moan and groan in disappointment.

"I'm riding up from with you?"

"I hear that, Sammy!"

Flatus jumps and scampers up Dean's arm. "Uh… no... You ride back here with them. Get off of me and make it snappy!"

"Ohhh… I use to date Snappy, she and I use to sing together." Flatus got a bit teary-eyed in his reminiscing.

"I'm afraid to ask…. Siren?" Dean winched in even asking the question.

"No Banshee."

"Okay…Just get in the back and be quiet..."

As the Winchester took their seats on the front, they just heard the tiny dragon charming the Vixens. "Oh…ladies… how would you like a serenade." As Flatus cleared his throat he began to sing Black Hole Sun, in his own style. "Back Ho fun, won't you come…."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Meanwhile the Yellow Eyed Demon…

Strutting in the castle, the demon knew the Winchesters were too close to ruining his plan. So he devised a scheme, a truly devilish scheme, to poison the brother's once and for all. After making his royal demonic cooks bake him a steaming hot apple pie, he carefully poisoned half the pie. Then painting his face like an old peddler, he ensured that Sam would not recognize him.

After his plan had been made and his disguise perfected, the yellow eyed demon hitched a cart to best unicorn in his stables and set off to take care of the Winchesters once and for all.

Next Chapter: Does this smell funny to you!


	9. CHARLIE! YEAH CHARLIE!

Things had been quiet for the last hour of the journey. Whatever was going on in the covered wagon behind the driver's seat was a question neither Winchester wanted to ask.

Dean sighed, half dozing.

"Dean, you okay?"

"Yeah… yeah, for the first time in what seems like days in this- Ru-Paul Liberace gone wild with sparkle- world."

"So, do you think you can explain how we got here?"

"I blame Dr. Who, the Tardis, and a box of Twinkies. And possibly that Q guy from Star Trek"

"Nice and scientific there, Dean."

"I stopped asking how and why about the time you showed up looking like a girl ice dancer."

"uh…yeah... uh."

"Yeah… that vid is so going on YouTube."

"You wouldn't…uh… OF course you would."

"Let's say…you do laundry for the next three months and it will mysteriously get deleted from my phone."

"I hate you."

"Yeah... I know you do."

"Okay… just stop...we have to kill this demon and get back to some sense of reality and I need to stop or my ass is going to fall off from this damn road."

Sam pulled the reins and the wagon stopped. He leaned back, trying to find a spot that wasn't tender.

"I miss my car, Man."

"And for once, so do I."

"So, I was thinking…..yellow still thinks he controls you. So I say we just do in the front door. The "I'm your prisoner" thing."

Neither Winchester noticed the strange peddler listening to their every word. The crafty spy already engaged in his own scheme to destroy Dean and Sam.

"We just stroll in…"

"..And give him a good ass-kickin…." Dean felt almost normal.

"Pastries and Goodies for Sale…Very cheap today!" The old peddler led a large grey unicorn, pulling a small cart of pies and confections.

"I smell PIE!" Yelled Hungry, and soon the quiet was filled with random voices all screaming for view

"Oh… what are you selling!???" asked Greedy."It smells so wonderful!"

Peddler selling pies… This is my faithful unicorn Charlie.

"All sorts of pretty things, my dear," answered the disguised peddler. "Fresh hot APPLE PIES.

"Pies!" Hungry screamed.

"Shut your yaps…just for one second…please… for the love of AC/DC can you just be quiet!...Okay Pops…how much?"

"Why only a modest…"

Before the demon can name his price Flatus starts to sing Metallica's Enter the Sandman, in his own special way of course. "Dreams of wars dreams of lies dreams of dragon's fire and a baked apple pie-yeah!"

A hand latches down on the tiny dragon's yap. "You be quiet too……and that is supposed to be things that will bite...not apple pie!" After correcting the lyrics, Dean let the lizard lips go, which he should have know better.

"Oh.. Do you have donuts…? I would love a donut! Don't let the glaze go dry, Krispy Kreme. "

"Dude.. You are not… messing up Glycerine…...Arghh!"

"Dean! Yelling doesn't help."

Dean didn't care. This screwed up land was driving him increasingly insane. And when Dean gets frustrated, he gets snarky. "Hey Dude, nice unicorn!'

"Dean…" Sam reprimand and eyed Dean.

"It's good to have the old Sammy back, even if you are giving me that look."

"Oh... This is Charlie… He is a faithful unicorn steed."

"Alrighty then!" Dean laughed.

"Dean…stop it!"

"I have some fresh pies."

"Oh pie… food." A Vixen squeed. Although at this point, Dean didn't know which one, or care which one.

"Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!" Dean downright snickered.

"Dean….no more late night movie watching of Orgazmo for you." Sam quipped at Dean before he turned back to the peddler. "Sorry, it's just been a long day and food sounds good."

Sam had no time to complete a thought when the Vixens started going again, their voices yapping and snapping at once.

"Oh… I'm hungry…

"That's me shut..."

"I want some pie…"

"I need food or I'll.."

"Bitchy….that's…"

"HEY! That's me! Don't be acting like me!"

"SHUT UP!" Both Winchesters barked.

Orders were useless. The vixens were so absorbed with fulfilling their needs and desires, they could only focus on what best served them at the time. Their voices again became a cacophony of noise.

Then something happened, just as the demon in his disguise was reaching an apple pie to the boys and the vixen's mouths were going at Warp 10. It was a strange sound like a high pitched screech that can only be compared to letting the air slowly out of a wet balloon. To Dean and Sam the sound was alien, and they had heard nothing like it. Of course, they had never seen a unicorn, much less hear one fart.

They turned to each other slowly, staring in wide eyed wonder as the sound continued to emit itself from the unicorn's buttock. A large smurf-blue cloud puffed out. Dean envisioned it as one of the Glade poof airfreshner clouds, only much more horrific in nature. The boys were frozen still, eyes staring blindly at the duo before them. Sam looked up at peddler with utter shock, mouth agape.

Finally the squeaking sound stopped. Then reality set in…The Winchesters had just witnessed and heard a unicorn fart. Actually, tooted would be a better description for the high pitched noise.

When Dean realized what had happened, his snickers were hard to suppress. "Sam... Unicorns do shoot rainbows from their asses!" He struggled to choke out the snickers, but failed. His full out guffaw sent Sam into a full belly laugh also.

"Dude…just go… just go…" Dean breathed through his chuckles.

"But don't you want some pie."

"Oh…Oh HELL NO! Not after that…. " Both boys were almost unable to breath for laughing.

"But it's good pie…." The demon enticed again to the uber disbelieving Winchesters.

The unicorn crossed its eyes and suddenly looked painfully constipated.

"Oh.. Sam… I think Charlie is about to BLOW!"

Charlie's giant release of flatulence exploded though the air like an unexpected cannon blast, making his tail rippled in the self made wind. An orange, larger cloud formed. Then a sulfurous stench so powerful that even the grass and shrubs seemed to wilt from its power. All in all, it was just too much for poor Vixens to take and they passed out into a dead faint.

The sound and stench even made the Winchesters' jaws drop. This was a mistake they quickly fixed, for they could feel a burning they swore incinerated their nostril hair. Sam quickly set the wagon to full speed. In the distance a tiny voice sang out: "Don't Feel the Reefer!"

The demon watched as his plan fell apart-thanks to an ill-timed unicorn fart fest. "Charlie! You idiot!"


	10. HOOTERFAIRY

_**Author's Note: Howdy! I finally found time to write again. Whew. So without too much ado (I have Sam's lost shoe- Please send me reviews or Dean pics if you ever want to see it again), here the next installment of crack-fic-alackin Winchester insanity.**_

-x-x-x-xx—x-x-xx-x-x—x-x-xx

Plugging along a path much like the ones traveled by settlers in the Wild West, the Winchesters drew ever nearer to the castle. Just over the next hill, the castle gates opened to the end battle.

"After we trick this demon, what are we supposed to do with the wand and the shoes? Come on this is kinda weird and lame. How is this going to get us home?" Sam uttered.

"I think the wand could be shoved…"

"Not helpful."

"You thought about it too. He did make you wear that outfit from Barbie's closet."

"Don't remind me."

"Oh! Every day! I am going to remind you every day." Then, Dean had the misfortune to utter, "I mean really! What the hell could happen next?"

Suddenly an onslaught of multi-colored bubbles rained so rapidly that it looked like softball sized orbs falling around them. Both boys suspected when the colorful balls hit the ground, they would splatter and splash like paint.

"Great, it rains bubbles" Sam muttered.

"Damn it, it rains everywhere we freakin' GO! What the hel..." Dean didn't have time to finish his complaint before a multitude of small orbs burst into tiny, lighted fairies, glowing like fireflies. The odd thing was the small creatures were naked as the day they were born. "Alrighty then! On the bright side, if we have to deal with fairies, at least they are nude!"

"Uh... yeah... and what is that big giant bubble going to be." Sam pointed at a forthcoming, simmering crystallized sphere, which floated in front of the wagon. For once the vixens and Flatus were quiet, except for some ohhs and ahhs like kids at a firework display.

Suddenly, the bubble burst open and the world sparkled with shards of glitter, falling upon a life size nude fairy woman. Her eyes sparkled in brilliant amethyst, which beckoned strangely to the Winchesters. Save for the few long auburn tendrils falling on her body, she was nude.

"I am Britney Angelina Katie Nicole Jessica Rubella, the Good Hooterfairy of the Northeast, slightly to the left-hand side."

"Oh, you so ARE!" Dean's tone was more than guttery.

"DEAN!" Sam reprimanded. "Sorry, he doesn't mean that."

"Yes I do!"

"Silence please, dear Winchesters. I have come to help you."

"Funny, I'd like to help you cu..." Sam clasped a hand over Dean's mouth. Dean muffled something that sounded like a protest of "Dude".

"Dean Winchester, come forth."

Dean pushed Sam's hand away. "Ha... come… ha ha!" Jumping off the wagon, he strutted towards the Good Hooterfairy. Upon arrival, he became encased with the fairy and the bubble floated into the sky. The small fairy lights also zipped away, leaving Sam, the Vixens, and Flatus behind.

"DEAN!" Sam yelled and swatted his large hand in the air as if he could prevent the orb from flying away.

"Sam, don't worry. She is here to help. She will teach Dean all he needs to know about the prophesied death and defeat of the demon. He is safe with the Good Hooterfairy." Flatus reasoned.

"Is she safe with him!?"

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**5 hours later…………..**

Sam dozed, leaning his noggin on his knees. He would have napped longer had the Vixens and Flatus not been so loud in their excitement. He opened his eyes, seeing the cause of the titter. A single sphere appeared in the heavens, drawing closer. When the bubble landed and popped, releasing Dean, who appeared to be exceptionally tired.

"Dean! Dean, are you okay?" Sam said urgently, trying to get up, almost falling off the wagon.

"I'm fine." He said happily with a yawn.

"Uh...so how are we going to defeat Yellow Eyes?"

"We go the demon's castle, use the glitter craping wand to blind him, and then force him to wear the shoes."

"That's it! It took five hours for that!???"

"Yeah… uh... No…"

"Dean? You didn't!?"

"What?" Dean acted innocent.

"You did! Dean!"

"Hey! She was the very Good Hooterfairy. Come on! But we should leave, cause I am not so sure she isn't the Bad- oh so very bad- Hooterfairy, now."

-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x-x-x—x

The FINALE IS UP NEXT: The FLOORSHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	11. FLOORSHOW

_**Author's Note: **__** And so it ends. I hope you have enjoyed this little insanity. This ending brought to you by the following sponsors: Cheese whiz, Deep Fried Crack and Dean's Den of Sin. (Opps... I wasn't supposed to mention him.)**_

-x-x-x-xx—x-x-xx-x-x—x-x-xx

**At the castle gates…..**

Sam roughly pulled Dean from the wagon as he waved for the Vixens to follow. "Open the gates!" He demanded. "I have gifts for my father."

"Dude," Dean whispered. "That still makes me cringe." Dean kept his unbound hands behind him as if he was restricted and unable to fight. Just concealed in his jacket sleeve, the glitter wand handle was balanced in his palm.

"Same here. Let's just do this and get outta here." Sam pushed Dean forward in a ruse of coaxing an uncooperative prisoner to move to certain doom.

"Easy sparky. Don't damage the goods."

"Prisoners don't get kid glove treatment, Dean. This has to look good. "

"Not too good. Just get me close enough and you slap him in the shoes!" Dean stressed, while whispering.

"Don't worry, the vixens have them hidden. I just hope your acting skills have improved."

"Screw, you Scott Hamil"

"AND No more ice skater jokes." Sam led his brother through the courtyard, into a narrow passage way, through heavy wooden doors, and then into the throne room, where the Yellow Eyed Demon waited.

The demon smiled. "Ahh! Sam, my boy. What a bevy of beauties you have brought me. And look at this… Dean, too. You are a thoughtful boy, but I am afraid I can't let your little ruse affect my well planned power hold." Suddenly, the doors slammed shut and the window shutters sealed, cutting off any means of escape. "Do you think I got this much power by being stupid. Sammy boy, you should know better. Now, I am afraid I will have to take care of your entire family, starting with you."

With a flick of the wrist of Yellow Eye's hand, a beam shot, heading straight for Sam's heart. Before he could react, Sam felt a shove to his abdomen. He slammed hard upon his back against the stone floor. He glanced upwards in time to see Dean take the blast in his stead.

At first when the energy smacked inside of Dean, he felt very little. His arm was extended, holding the wand to administer a blast. But, that strike never had the time to complete. Ever so slowly, he glanced at Sam and flashed a smile. Then, just as quickly he fell, slapping hard against the floor. His hand released the wand; letting is slip away. His eyes drained of life and closed in eternal sleep.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Vixens, Sam, and Flatus yelled at once. Sam crawled to his brother, not even bothering to rise.

Just when things appeared desperate, Horny took off her blouse and oversized bra and tossed them to Freaky. Horny jumped up and down, distracting the demon. Freaky grabbed Flatus, shoving him into one of the bra cups and slingshot him towards the demon's face. The lizard-dragon spit a ball of fire as he flew close enough to singe Yellow's hair. Yet the small reptile was flung away by one movement in the demon's hand.

However, the distraction was more than enough. Sam's hand gripped the wand, sending a glittery blast towards the demon. His aim was true and damaging. The monster yelped like a small school girl in pigtails. While he was blinded, the vixens removed his shoes and placed the Ruby Slippers on his feet.

When the demon looks down at his new footwear, his eyes couldn't move for terror. "NO... No… NO! What have you DONE!!! Within seconds the villain was on his feet, and the slippers began to force him into a strange dance like ants had infested his pants. Then, he began to sing…"I'm too sexy for my shirt... too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts!" Just as quickly he switched gears, singing a melody of tunes from Annie." All the while his feet danced. "Tomorrow…tomorrow… the sun… tomorrow… I'm a little teapot short and stout… Did I ever tell you you're my hero….Near, Far Where ever you are… AHHHHHH….Don't worry be happy….Purple Rain… Purple rain….its Thriller… Thriller night….I'm just a sweet transvestite

….from transsexual…" All the doors flew open and the demon danced right out the door, singing random pieces of song.

"Someone should tell that man he is a horrible singer," Flatus said. "And he ain't no Solid Gold Dancer, either."

When the group realized the demon no longer had power, they all turned their attention Dean. Bowing their heads, they all mourned the loss acutely. Sam knelt gently, pulling Dean close to him. No breath came from his parted lips, confirming the death. No, Dean. You can't be! No."

"He can't be dead…" The vixens no longer whined, but whisper in a melancholy keening for their fallen hero.

"He died to save all of us…We're free and he's… he's…" Flatus cried and began to sing Scorpions _Winds of Change" _in eulogy. "Take me to the midgets in the morning." The little creature would have continued, but a glowing orb appeared.

The Good Hooterfairy emerged and gazed at Sam softly. "Be not sad, for things are not as hopeless as they appear. The kiss of honest love will return him." The fairy kissed Dean's lips, but still he did not wake. One by one the vixens and even Flatus tried to revive Dean. Then, all eyes looked at Sam.

"Uh…no…hell no… we aren't like that... Stop it… That's sick... We're brothers. Ewwwwww!"

"Sam, love doesn't have to be physical love. Do you not love your brother? The Hooterfairy asked.

"Yeah, but... uh..." All eyes were on him and he bent down over his brother.

-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x

Dean bolted upright and screamed "DUDE, if you even try to kiss me, I swear, I'll... I'll kill you!"

"Who are you talking about Dean?" Sam asked. "I think you must be delirious."

"What... don't mess with me! That damn fairy, vixens, and lizard lipped dragon... they…

"Whoa... okay... just lay back down and be still. You cracked your head a good one."

"What?"

"I came back and you were in the doorway out cold. Looks like you slipped on the ice. Just take it easy."

"Oh… Oh... thank GOD!" Dean glanced around, noticing he was back in the cabin.

"Dean, are you okay??"

"It was horrible, Sammy…..there were vixens, and unicorn farts, and Flatus- a Dragons that sing the wrong lyrics. And the vixens. They...they… it was horrible. Sleepy got Hungry, then Hungry found there was no food and she got all Needy. Needy was so desperate, she got Horney. And Horny... oh she was nuts. She …."

"What are you talking about!"

"Horney could decide which of us she wanted and turned to Fickle. Fickle gets tired of waiting and got Freaky with the dragon. Then Freaky got her groove on with him too and she got all Bitchy cause we wouldn't…"

"Wait. Just… You're not making sense."

"And Bitchy got stressed out because everyone was Bitchy and she got Sleepy and….Freaky gets her groove on but hates herself cause she gave into cheap sex, she then gets Bitchy. Bitchy gets stressed and can't sleep so she gets Sleepy"

"What ARE YOU TALKIINGABOUT!!!!!?"

"The vixens they all had names like Horny and Sleepy….and ….

"And I suppose Hotty got busy in the Impala?"

"And then I got hurt and I needed a kiss of love...then…then you… then…" Dean was horrified.

"Dean, I would rather see Dr. Phil in a Speedo."

"Ewe...ewe"

"Okay, just relax. I think you took a harder knock to your head than you thought."

"Yeah…yeah…" Dean fell back and closed his eyes.

Sam pulled a blanket over him, and began to whistle _Winds of Change. _Dean shoots up with eyes wide open, starting at Sam.

"What?" Sam looked at his brother oddly.

"Where did you hear that song?" Dean noticed a splatter of glitter on Sam's shoulder.

--x-x-x-x-x-THE END-- -x-x-x-x-x-x-x


End file.
